Well the news is out…baby number 3 will be joining us in March! Which is why the blog has been quieter than usual. I don’t know exactly how far along I am, or my due date, or anything else people ask when someone is expecting because I have yet to go to the doctor. Since Brad started a new job, our insurance won’t kick in for another month, so I have to be content with waiting until then (and you do too ;)!) Here are a few updates:
so how are you feeling?
How are you feeling? That’s the question that normally follows once you tell someone you’re pregnant. And I don’t know whether to laugh or cry whenever I answer it. Those closest to me have seen firsthand how difficult this pregnancy has been. I debated whether or not to detail out my symptoms...I feel called to show you a glimpse of what I’ve been through so that it may help others understand just how severe “morning sickness” can be for some women.
Let’s just say - the debilitating nausea, daily vomiting (sometimes hourly), weight loss, diarrhea/ constipation, fainting spells, and ocular migraines have become my new normal. I have essentially become an invalid who stays home with two children that need my attention all day long. I’ve lost count the hours they have spent watching Netflix so that I can just get through the afternoon…counting the seconds until my husband comes home. I have cried — daily — because I am just sick of being sick. I haven’t handled this suffering very gracefully…in fact, I have done more whining over the last three months than I probably have in my entire life. I have felt heavy guilt for not being more grateful that I am carrying another life — a life that so many women (some of them, friends) suffering from infertility and wish more than anything to go through what I am going through in order to experience the gift of motherhood. My depression and anxiety has resurfaced its ugly head leaving me feeling isolated and withdrawn. As all of my pregnancies have been physically and mentally exhausting, I knew this was to be expected. I was ready for another 9 month marathon. But this? This is sucking the life out of me. This has turned me into a person I don’t recognize.
I could go on and on about how much pain I have been in since discovering about this pregnancy. It hasn’t been pretty. There are other women who have shared similar experiences and written out their stories…this one in particular some friends shared with me and I related to the most. If you genuinely want to know how I’m doing, read THIS for some insight on what my life is like right now.
find the good
Thankfully, I have good days. And as the weeks go on, those good days are steadily increasing. I’m grateful. The Lord has been merciful to me. There is medication that gives me relief for a few hours so that I am able to be rejoin the Land of the Living for a portion of the day. I am slowly starting to feel more life myself (and beginning to do things I love again, like blog!!!)
It hasn’t been all terrible, either. It gives me joy hearing my three year old thank God for “the baby in mommies tummy” when we say our prayers at night. I have seen the beauty of living close to family again as my selfless mother took care of not only me, but also both children while my husband studied for his boards in August. The countless help my parents and in-laws have shown us since we’ve been in Louisiana has been the most tangible gift I have experienced since moving back.
I have fallen in love with my husband all over again as he patiently takes care of me and the children. I have not washed one dish. He has done all the laundry, bed time routines, dirty diapers, and dinner duty. Brad, (my sweet Brad!), my husband who has an aversion to all things kitchen related, has learned how to cook a few meals by watching youtube videos. He has done all of this with a gentle smile on his face, never once complaining, and constantly reassuring me that “he loves taking care of us”. I believe him. He is a constant beacon of hope for me. He gives me strength when I have none, and in all sincerity would not be able to go through this without him.
These past few months have given me a renewed sense of gratitude for all the beautiful gifts in this life we take for granted — sunny days! rainstorms! food! any food! cold water! HEALTH! walking to the car without passing out! chasing my kids! reading books! going outside! grocery shopping without puking! And, despite all the suffering, I am thankful because this ugly sickness has a very beautiful purpose. I am doing all of this for another person. A person I have yet to meet, but a person who I love more than anything. A person who was created in the image and likeness of God and that I hopefully have the privilege of knowing, forming, and raising.
Lastly, I want to thank you, truly, for your prayers. I feel them. I need them. And I love you for them. Please continue to pray for me and for the little one I’m growing. Your kindness has touched my heart and I thank you for being so patient with me while I focus on my health and family!